Some changes were improvised on the day, but this is the script that was started out with.
You can watch the final thing here
Un:Bound Video Editions – Zombies
[Principal] = Scenes to be shot on Saturday 8th October
[Pickup] = Scenes to be shot accordingly to availability after Saturday 8th October
Caption: ‘The story so far…’
Montage of scenes from the previous episode, plus the odd random scene to make it look as if this is part of continuing series.
Caption: ‘And now… the story continues…’
EXT. PHOENIX – DAY [Principal]
Kat is standing outside, the Phoenix visible in the far background.
KAT: [Introducing herself and the show… don’t mention zombies yet]
Interested on-lookers start gathering in the background, waving to the camera, eventually distracting Kat.
KAT: (To on-lookers) Excuse me! We’re trying to film here. (To cameraman) Can we shoot that again? [Starts the introduction again…]
More on-lookers becoming more unruly.
KAT: (To on-lookers) You know what you’re doing is pointless? We’ll just cut all this out. Or erase you from shot. (To cameraman) We can erase them in post-, can’t we?
KAT: Yeah, we’ll wipe you out and replace you with shrubs or something. (To cameraman) Can we do rhododendrons?
KAT: Okay, introduction again, this time surrounded by rhododendrons. [Starts the introduction again]
When she’s about halfway through, zombies attack the on-lookers and start eating their brains.
KAT: [Finishes intro – talking about zombies with Wayne Simmons, Dave Moody and Jasper Bark] Perfect! That was perfect, right?
KAT turns to see the zombies eating people.
KAT: Oh for pity’s sake. Do you people have no shame?
One of the zombies looks up at her with guts hanging from its teeth.
She turns to him. He in turn does a slow pan round, revealing they’re surrounded by a circle of zombies. By the time the view gets back onto Kat, she’s got a BASEBALL BAT.
KAT: I’m thinking we should skip ahead to the interviews, yeah?
CAMERAMAN: Don’t skip, run…
KAT bashes a couple of zombies out of the way and runs toward the Phoenix, followed by the camera.
Cut between cameraman chase-shots and high-angle, CCTV-style shots. Follow Kat up to the door, then cut to CCTV shot of the zombies converging on the Phoenix.
INT. PHOENIX – Day [Principal]
Kat is remonstrating with a Phoenix employee.
KAT: …we need a secure room, three shotguns, two chainsaws and enough rations to last at least a week.
EMPLOYEE: Are you insane?
SOMEONE OFF-CAMERA: Aah! Zombies are attacking!
EMPLOYEE: Go to the basement. I can’t do weapons, but I can do a box of Twix from the cafeteria.
KAT: Do it! [She turns to the cafeteria, where the writers are dining. Zombies are pawing at the windows outside] If you’ve written acclaimed zombie fiction and want to live, follow me!
She turns and runs off toward the basement. The writers follow. As they pass the camera, we do a freeze frame, then a brief montage about them and their work:
Assorted hangers-on hurry after them.
HANGER-ON #1: Hey, you’ve never written zombie fiction, acclaimed or otherwise!
HANGER-ON #2: True, but if this is the zombie apocalypse, then I figure my best chance of surviving is to stick with the experts!
They run off after the others. Zombies start staggering in through the doors of the Phoenix.
INT. PHOENIX BASEMENT – DAY [Principal]
Kat’s escapees are doing battle with zombies. They fight their way through and make it into the basement room.
KAT: Barricade the door!
The escapees start pushing stuff up against the door when the lights go out.
HANGER-ON #2: They’ve cut the power!
HANGER-ON #1: But… but I thought zombies were stupid and dumb and how could they have cut the frickin’ power!?
A torch flashes on, illuminating Jasper’s face.
JASPER: Here, I carry spares in case of emergencies.
He starts handing out TORCHES when a frenzied banging comes at the door.
EMPLOYEE: Let me in! Let me in!
KAT: Who is it?
EMPLOYEE: The [guy/girl] from upstairs. I’ve got the box of Twix!
The escapees exchange glances and then start dismantling the barricade.
EMPLOYEE: Quickly! Please! They’re coming!
While some dismantle the barricade, others begin reassembling it.
EMPLOYEE: Oh no, they’re almost here!
Everyone’s reassembling it now.
EMPLOYEE: Here, look, I have Twix. Much nicer than brains, surely? Please, no! Aaargh! Oh God! Is that really what my spleen looks like? Other things I’ve learned today: what excruciating pain feels like and how cruel and heartless my fellow man can be…
A death rattle from outside the door. Sheepish looks within the room.
The awkward atmosphere is broken by Kat clapping her hands.
KAT: Right, seeing as we’re all here and we were going to do an interview anyway…
HANGER-ON #1: Surely you can’t be serious? A [man/woman] just died out there!
KAT: Yes, and they will have died in vain if we don’t make the most of their sacrifice by getting this show done. (BEAT) And I still have the baseball bat… (hits her palm with it meaningfully).
We now commence the round-table/panel section of the show. This will be mostly free form, but structured around the following questions:
What is a zombie? Are they dead, or can they be alive/dying and infected by a virus/disease? How are they characterised? Shuffling, shambling or running? What choices did the writers make for their zombies?
- Zombie close-ups
- Zombies shuffling, then running, then cycling, driving, roller-skating after free-runner.
What causes a zombie outbreak? Virus, disease, religious punishment, etc.?
- Dramatisations of the possible causes of the outbreak.
How does the contagion spread? Can it cross to animals?
- Public information style film on how not to get infected.
After this question, it becomes clear that Jasper has been bitten.
WAYNE: He’s been bitten!
HANGER-ON #2: It must have happened while we were fighting our way in here.
WAYNE: We have to kill him.
WAYNE: He’s going to turn into one of them!
KAT: But look at him, he’s not a zombie yet. He’s still alive. He’s still human.
JASPER: Wayne’s right. You can’t take the chance of me turning into zombie at some inopportune moment when you least expect it. You have to kill me now.
KAT: We can’t…
WAYNE: We have to.
KAT: We have to finish the interview. Once that’s done, then you can kill him. Or I’ll kill him, I’m not fussy.
The others begrudgingly allow the questions to continue.
How do you kill a zombie?
- Favourite methods of despatching the walking dead.
How do you survive the zombie apocalypse? How intelligent are zombies?
- Zombie Ed discussing the trials of being a zombie.
The discussion section concludes.
HANGER-ON #1: It sounds like we’re all going to die. Sooner or later… it’s… it’s a grim inevitability.
HANGER-ON #2: But surely science should be able to come up with a cure, an antidote or something?
Discuss the issues around that.
CAMERAMAN: Err Kat, isn’t there something you ought to say at this point?
KAT: Hmm? What? Oh yes, the antidote. I’ve got it in my… (it’s not in her bag). I must have left it in the car.
CAMERAMAN: You did get distracted by that shiny lamppost when we were getting out…
KAT: Mm, shiny…
WAYNE: You’ve got an antidote?
KAT: To zombification, yes. It’s in my car.
JASPER: I could do with some antidote about now. My skin appears to be coming off.
WAYNE: (to Kat) How… why have you got an antidote?
Kat stares off into space… cue FLASHBACK [pickup]: All those glimpses we saw before of how the epidemic could have started? Well, now we see them again, except each time Kat is responsible. At the end, she comes out of it with a test tube.
KAT: How I got the antidote isn’t important right now. What’s important is that we get out of here and get to my car.
WAYNE: But how do we get out? There’s only one door and there’s a horde of zombies behind it!
HANGER-ON #2: Err, while you were all talking, I tried digging a tunnel out of here with this spork. I think I made it to the sewers.
KAT: See! You zombie writers are such fatalists. All it took was the indomitability of the human spirit and a spork to deliver our salvation.
HANGER-ON #1: Argh! Jasper Bark is eating Dave Moody’s brains! (We can use a stand-in for Dave here if necessary)
WAYNE: He’s turned!
JASPER: No, no, I just thought I’d try out the whole brain-eating thing before I became a zombie, just to see what it was like. Not half bad as it happens.
Wayne snatches up the baseball bat and goes for Jasper. In the chaos that follows – Wayne chasing Jasper around the room, torch beams flashing everywhere – the barricade is broken. The zombies outside start pushing the door open. Kat and the Hangers-On try to hold it shut.
Jasper is felled. Wayne stands triumphant. He looks to the door and the zombie arms and hands reaching through the open crack.
WAYNE: Someone’s got to hold them off.
HANGER-ON #1: I wouldn’t last five seconds against them.
HANGER-ON #2: I might manage six seconds, maybe seven…
KAT: And you need me to open the car.
WAYNE: (Resigned) Okay. On the count of three, you run for the tunnel. One… two… three…
Kat and the hangers-on run. The zombies flood through the door (in a shambling kind of way). Wayne takes them on with the baseball bat. The camera watches for a few moments before chasing after the others.
EXT. OPEN GROUND – DAY (Principal / Pickup)
CCTV long distance shot of Kat and the hangers-on emerging from a manhole (or something similar we can wrangle). There’s no one else in sight.
Cut to: Camera approaching Kat.
KAT: Now where’s that car-park?
She looks around and then stops, looking back past the camera. The camera turns. Where the hangers-on were, is now a gaggle of feasting zombies.
Cut to: CCTV shot of Kat and the cameraman running from the scene.
MONTAGE: Intercut shots of camera chasing Kat while running and high-angle CCTV shots of Kat running across town. Zombies populate each frame, possibly added in post-production if need be. At one point she can cross paths with the free-runner from the earlier pickup shots. They don’t need to be filmed at the same time, just in the same place – a cut hidden in a quick pan can cover the fact we shot them separately.
They reach the car-park, race up the stairs, reach the floor where the car’s waiting. It’s almost empty of other cars (completely empty would be good).
We hurry over to the car. Kat fumbles getting the door open. When she does, she dives inside and begins rooting through the detritus hidden within.
The camera looks across the car-park level. Zombies are beginning to appear.
KAT: Look what I found!
We see she’s got a MAGIC WAND.
KAT: Oh, those Pan MacMillan people and their annoyingly magical ways.
The zombies are getting closer.
Now she’s trying on a hat.
Zombies shuffling closer still.
Shoes and hats.
The zombies are almost upon them.
Kat’s cleaning her teeth in the wing mirror.
CAMERAMAN: Kat! Antidote!
The zombies attack. The cameraman tries to fend them off by throwing hats at them.
KAT: Got it!
She holds up the test tube, but a zombie has got in through the other door. The test tube is knocked from her grasp.
It rolls away across the car-park. The cameraman chases after it.
A zombie steps on it. It breaks.
A look back at Kat – the car is surrounded. She’s valiantly trying to fend them off.
CAMERAMAN: Grim inevitability…
The last thing we see of her is her arm waving the wand in the air, then the zombies close around her and there is a vague puff of smoke.
A zombie face moves in front of the camera. The cameraman tries to scramble away. Glances back show those zombies from the car are following, the car left behind, no sign of Kat.
There’s no way out. The zombies are all around. They’re closing in. Then…
Splashing this way, that way – we hear a mechanical roar while heads go flying, zombies topple… until the camera is left surrounded by prone bodies.
Cameraman breathing heavily.
CAMERAMAN: What the…?
KAT: (Off screen) The one thing zombies can’t eat, can’t infect, can’t stop…
The camera spins round. Standing there is a white rabbit sock puppet covered in blood. It’s holding a miniature chainsaw.
KAT: … a bunny sock puppet with attitude. That’s all for this episode of Un:Bound Video Editions. Next time it’d be nice if we did romantic comedies or something, but we probably won’t. In the meantime, barricade the doors, check your supplies of food and ammunition and… is that a bite mark?
KAT: You’ve been bitten.
CAMERAMAN: It’s a birth mark.
The sock puppet advances.
KAT: And that?
CAMERAMAN: That is a bite, but I got that from a rabid dog earlier in the day. Definitely not a zombie.
The sock puppet keeps coming.
CAMERAMAN: Kat, honestly, put the chainsaw down… Kat… Kat!
FADE OUT out to the sound of the chainsaw REVVING UP.